this is not a blog

I Reckon This Must be the Place, I Reckon

Invented and real conversations related to coding (that I find amusing)

Dialog One

"You're using an INI file?"

"Yeah, it, um, was quick, easy..."

"What is this, DOS? No one uses INI files anymore. Shoot, use JSON at least. Or XML. Why didn't you use XML?"

"Too much over head. Besides, you can't hand-edit XML. Who would do that?"

...

"Where you going?"

Dialog Two

"You're using an INI file?"

"I just had this conversation with someone..."

"Well, duh. Use a database. Everyone does. Look at [popular blog], their configuration page is cool. They have collapsable sections, hover help, and a theme editor. It's really cool."

"They use an SQL database right?"

"Yes! And it's light. For the options. There's just an auto increment id, a small text for the name and a long text for the value."

"Kind of like an INI file."

"Yeah, but INI files have line length constraints. And you have to delimit quotes and stuff."

"Mine doesn't. It's pretty flexible. And I'm working on an editor."

"Yeah, but their's already exists!"

"What's it like? The code. Can it be separated and used for our project?"

"Well, no. We'd have to just look at what they do and implement our own. There's no API if that's what you mean."

"Could you send it to me?"

"Huh? No. Just download it. Take a look for yourself. It's not too big."

"I mean their configuration settings. Could you send me their configuration settings if I wanted to, say, use them in another installation."

"Huh? No, not directly. But it's in the database. There's an export function."

"Just for the configuration settings?"

"No. The whole database. As an SQL file."

"Hmm."

"Look. You could just use [sql admin program] to view the database and export just the configuration table."

"But with an INI file you can just share it..."

"Look. Everybody uses a database. Why do you have to be so difficult?"

Dialog Three

"There's been a change. The URL args are gonna change."

"What? You're kidding! We just went over this!"

"Well, they made a last minute change. Marketing says shorter URLs are better."

"You know we just moved all the URLs into the templates, right?"

"Yes, and the code is better for it. We had HTML all over the place."

"URLs are not HTML."

"They are too."

"No. There's no markup in a URL. It's not HTML."

"But we got variables in them. And file names. And page names."

"Which shouldn't be in the templates."

"The templates are for variables, that's why we have templates."

"But we shouldn't be placing hard-coded names and values into the templates."

"Templates should be as small as possible."

"Code should be as small as possible."

"No. Code is meant to be... well, code. It processes data. Templates just display data."

"There's nothing wrong with lots of variables in the templates. It's code within the templates that is wrong. We've been over this."

"Let's debate that later. Right now we have to prepare to change the URLs. Maybe even all of them. How many do we have and where are they?"

"There are about forty or so and they are now spread throughout most of the templates, almost all of the admin ones. Less than a hundred."

"And we just finished moving them into there!"

"When they were in the code they were all over the place too so that's moot."

"Won't take too long."

"Hey. Some of you guys might not remember, but the first version of this app had a URL handler. Just one file that held all of the URLs. If we had something like that we'd be just modifying one file."

"Yeah, but that file was ugly. And the rationale behind replacing it was, why make a function call just to return a string when we can just inline the string?"

"Yeah. But look what we got to do now. Edit a few hundred files just to change a dozen strings where before we'd be changing just one file!"

"I know, we can put all the URLs in the database!"

Dialog Four

"You're not using PHPDoc comments?"

"No."

"But everybody does."

"Why?"

"Because everybody does."

"Why?"

"Because there can be HTML documentation about the code."

"Is there?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do PHP applications usually come with PHPDoc compiled documentation?"

"No. But you can make it."

"How?"

"By PHPDoc of course!"

"But how?"

"I don't know. You just download it."

"Is there phpdoc.com or some place?"

"Um, phpdocumentor I think. There's a new version I think."

"You think?"

"Yeah. Just Google it. Or try PEAR."

"So, I have to install it?"

"I don't know. Maybe it comes with PHP? I think it does."

"The new version?"

"Well, probably not. Jut try pear upgrade."

"Well, I don't like having to give root access to my system to a remote server."

"But it's PEAR. You can trust them."

"What about bugs? Ever hear of something going wrong?"

"No. This is PHP we are talking about."

"PHP never had bugs?"

"Huh? Well, I suppose. But, maybe there's an install package to download if you want."

"Have you ever seen any documentation created by phpdocumentor?"

"Yeah. Sometimes they're online."

"What do they look like?"

"Like the comments. Each function comments block is turned into navigable HTML."

"So, a comment block is turned into HTML which links to the function's comment block and back and forth?"

"Yeah."

"So, what's good about that when I can just read the code?"

"Why do you have to be so difficult? Everybody uses it."

Dialog Five

"Okay. We are going to implement the User Interface for CSS3 for our browser."

"Excellent."

"I like that."

"Me too!"

"Okay. And the target date is just two weeks. Can you do it?"

"Yeah!"

"Of course!"

"What they said!"

"Okay. But get this. We are going impement all the new properties, but only if they have our browser engine prefix of -wow!"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Um..."

"Okay, okay. You know we call our browser engine WOW, right, so let me sketch the new properties: -wow-box-sizing, -wow-user-select, -wow-resizer, etc. Right? That can be done. Right?"

"Yeah..."

"But..."

"Why don't we just..."

"Okay, snap to it. We got two weeks. Come on, go, go, go. The Internet waits for no one!"

Dialog Icon

"Please change de icon for program, there are tons of icons free beautiful and shining."

"I concur. That green icon is absolutely horrible."

"I completely agree. The new green icon just looks bad and doesn't represent the program."

"Seriously why was the icon changed in 5.5? Which application in these screenshots is the document I want to edit? Absolutely terrible for usability."

"To be honest, I just hate the new icon. The icon should say something about the program, I think the previous icon was just perfect."

"I thought I would get used to the new icon. I haven't. It's childish looking and demeans such an excellent piece of software."

"It used to have a lovely icon but its now a green thing, PLEASE CHANGE IT BACK."

"Auch aus München die Bitte nach den alten Icons. From Munich the request for the old icons. Please please please."

"I don't really understand. What old icons? The ones from the 'bad' package that had the 'funny' behavior? Or the original (and below)? Please be more specific, and I will do it instantly."

"Am I the only one that LOVED the new icon? Really gave it some character and was a lot easier to pick out of a group."

"I bet Comic Sans is also your favorite font... :-p"

"The icon is great if you're using [the program] on a third grader's PC, but I use [the program] on servers and the cartoony icon just looks embarrassing in a professional environment."

"The old icon was really poorly drawn and too generic. The new one gives it a bit of character! (And no, Comic Sans is not my favourite font.)"

"Damn, the latest version seems to have changed back to that god-awful white blob that is apparently paper+pencil. How do I go back to the cool icon?"

"I like the icon because it stands out from so many 'Me Too' icons.
Who says corporate = boring?"

 

[This dialog was taken from a real online dialog about a real program. I have edited only slightly to remove the program name, user names, and a few other things. P.S. The program is excellent and the actual dialog was all in good fun.]

Dialog Six

"Um... There was a problem with the last release."

"What? And why are you whispering?"

"I hope nobody will hear us. There was a function missing in the testing module."

"What! Who... Never mind. What did..."

"I fixed it. And I just re-uploaded the archive."

"%#@(!"

"Maybe no one will notice."

"Yeah, right. Probably just got several more people thinking we are idiots!"

Dialog Seven

"Was the release today?"

"Yes."

"Is it good?"

"Um..."

"The code. Is it good?"

"We've been working on this a long time."

"Is it good?"

"It's better. It takes a while."

"Is it good?"

"It is what it is."

"Is it good?"

"Well..."

"It is not a difficult question."

"Yes. Yes it is."

Dialog Twitter Help

(Some "dialogs" here will be from online sources, like this one from dev.twitter.com/discussions/11338. I do no editing other than removing personal identifiers and fixing capitalizations and ending punctuation.)

"twitter.com uses an invalid security certificate. The certificate will not be valid until 04/09/2012 08:00 PM. The current time is 11/19/2011 05:57 PM. (Error code: sec_error_expired_certificate) What should I do? I think that my Twitter is Hacked."
1 year 33 weeks ago

"Hey Twitter techs! I'm getting this error twitter.com uses an invalid security certificate. The certificate is only valid for the following names: [deleted] (Error code: ssl_error_bad_cert_domain) Could someone help me out with this? I'm unsure what to do; I already deleted cert8.db. It didn't work."
43 weeks 4 days ago

"I tried adding https:twitter.com to my exception list but it says This site attempts to identify itself with invalid information. Certificate belongs to a different site, which could indicate identity theft."
43 weeks 4 days ago

"twitter.com uses an invalid security certificate."
43 weeks 1 day ago

"I want to get on my twitter page but I can't can any please let this twitter wok. I'm not asking for much."
27 weeks 3 days ago

"I have the same problem with Firefox, but not Internet Explorer. Help!"
19 weeks 1 day ago

"Hey can anyone help I am not able to log in to twitter which I did last night .... but now it shows an invalid certificate error......."
6 weeks 3 days ago

"My twitter with [deleted] handle stands hacked. I need help."
5 weeks 5 days ago

"On my twitter invalid security certificate appears. I can't open my twitter."
5 weeks 5 days ago

"Any solution to my problem."
5 weeks 4 days ago

"I can't open my twitter Any solution to my problem I would like to see my tweets hey can anyone help I am not able to log in to twitter which I did last night .... but now it shows an invalid certificate error....... twitter.com uses an invalid security certificate. on my twitter invalid security certificate appears."
4 weeks 6 hours ago

(end of thread)